YOU DON'T TRUST ME! I don't know a parent of a teen who has not heard this (usually at a very impressive volume) in a tone of genuine outrage.
Don't be held hostage by this statement, or the threat of hearing it.
When you worry that your child has done something wrong, you have a responsibility to ask.
Lets discuss this using a particular example to illustrate the point.
A father recently wrote in to my website to ask about his twelve year old daughter, a drug store and some eyeliner.
He saw her put something in her pocket and assumed it was a mistake.
He told her to take it out before someone accused her of stealing.
But then he noticed that she looked a little strange and wanted to ask her if she'd taken anything else.
He didn't ask, he said, because he didn't want her to think he doesn't trust her.
Twelve year olds often consider shoplifting.
They are in the same developmental "I want" phase as a toddler and have a lot more autonomy and grander ideas.
This does not mean that all twelve year olds steal.
But a lot of them have thought about it.
It is our obligation as parents to pay attention to the temptations and morals of our children.
You can soften this with a "when I was your age I...
" if you'd like.
But don't stop from asking the hard questions just because your child may hurl an accusation your way.
"YOU DON'T TRUST ME!" My suggested answer is this: "I do trust you.
I trust you to be twelve.
And to be struggling with a lot of hard decisions, one of which is whether you should earn the money to pay for something you want or to see if you can get away with taking it.
" You trust her to be too young to consider all the consequences of her actions, both practical and ethical.
Too young to know that the clerk working when she steals that may get fired.
Too young to understand that the rush of getting away with it might be alluring in and of itself, and bragging about it to a friend may put her in the situation of doing it again even if she decided not to.
Trust your children to be the age they are.
When you ask your preschooler as he leaves the bathroom, "Did you wash your hands?" you are not undermining your relationship.
When you ask your twelve year old who slipped something in her pocket at the store, "Can I see what else is in your pockets, please?" you are being a strong parent.
You can trust her to be twelve, and she can trust you to be the Dad.
We trust our children to be doing there best, often in a culture that makes that hard to do.
And we trust them to need help navigating that culture and those decisions.
So trust that your child will make some mistakes (and not others) and needs to be able to trust you for guidance.