If you don't know what a people-pleaser is, you won't find a dictionary entry at dictionary.
com, but you need to know how to recognize if you or someone you know is caught in this trap, because it is highly stressful.
In general, here's what people-pleasers do: • You take on burdens and responsibilities that are not yours -- as a regular routine, not as a special favor now and then • You feel guilty for saying "no" to anyone, even when it is inconvenient to say "yes" • You try really hard to make everyone happy, even at the risk of your own unhappiness and stress • You boost everyone's self-esteem, even at the expense of your own • You give in to other people's demands, hoping to prevent them from being upset with you • You work hard to gain approval from others, and your feelings often fall flat when they take you for granted • You are constantly busy, afraid someone will accuse you of being lazy if you sit down and relax As you can see, the overarching problem here is that you put everyone else first instead of yourself.
This behavioral pattern often has roots in childhood, when you are taught (or admonished) not to be "selfish.
" If you already suffer from low self-esteem in those formative years, you can get the erroneous idea that putting your own goals and dreams at the top of your list is a bad thing.
You gradually establish the idea that the only way to be happy in life is to sacrifice yourself and try to make everyone else happy instead.
An unfortunate offshoot of people-pleasing is that it can lead to the martyr syndrome where your deep dissatisfaction with life leads to a lot of heartfelt sighing and yet, when asked what is wrong, you insist to others that you are just fine.
And yet, when you deny your own purpose in life and always put yourself left, the damage to your self-esteem, self-respect and sense of personal valuation is intense, and you are unable to have healthy, reciprocal relationships.
People-pleasing has been nicknamed "the disease of please" because at the heart of it, it's all about trying to make people like you.
You want so much for everyone to think well of you that you go overboard and simply do too much for others, all the time.
Now, of course, to some extent we should all be people-pleasers and be nice to one another.
But when the driving force is a feeling that you aren't good enough unless you are "doing, doing, and doing some more" then it's a pattern that's gotten in your way.
Following are techniques to combat the people-pleaser the tendency because it keeps you stressed out.
It is not a healthy interaction in relationships because it leads to resentments when the other person simply takes and takes and takes, and expects you to keep on giving endlessly, the way you have taught them to expect.
Tips to stop being such a people-pleaser all the time: • Start recognizing how often you do everything for everybody else, while ignoring your own dreams and goals • Now that you see your pattern, make your own goals a priority, and do something every day that you like, even if someone else criticizes you for it • Learn how to say "no" when you want to say that.
This is a biggie for people-pleasers, who have a lifelong habit of saying yes when they are silently screaming "no.
" Practice saying "no" in less crucial areas of your life and less important matters, and build from there.
The practice will give you courage to say no when it's something important.
• Forgive yourself if you slip into your old ways.
You're retraining an old habit and it takes time and persistence.
The key to shifting from being a people-pleaser to a strong, assertive, self-loving person, is to let go of your fear of not being liked or not getting approval.
Learn how to combat the people-pleaser tendency because it keeps you stressed out, and yet following these few simple steps will put you on the road to happiness and contentment.