My son, Caine turns 28 today and his yearly birthday always brings back memories of his very difficult beginning and reflections of how he has changed my life for nearly three decades.
He was born at a minuscule 1 pound and 13 ounces, a full 13 weeks before his scheduled due date in mid-June.
Caine was not an ordinary baby, he had a myriad of problems to battle just to survive and whenever it looked like he might be working his way into the clear, another life-threatening issue would arrive that could potentially end his life.
The major issues with these little "premies" is they are so small that its very difficult to give them any medication, they haven't developed the instinct to "suck" yet (so they can't feed themselves) and they are very susceptible to infection.
A few days after Caine was born, his condition had deteriorated and his doctor told me his chances were about 50-50 at best.
I asked the doctor what he planned to do to try to help Caine survive.
"We've done everything that we can for now.
These little babies are either born with something in them that fights to survive or not.
It's pretty much up to him now," said Dr.
Brown.
This was a key turning point for me, because for the first time in my life, I realized that I have no control over what actually happens in my life or in Caine's life.
I stood over Caine for hours in the neonatal intensive care unit and just prayed for him, but also got myself ready for his passing.
There were several other babies that died during the time that Caine was in the NICU.
I remember the Bass triplets (2 girls and boy) were there with us.
The girls survived, but the boy (Joe Jr.
) died after a month.
If you've ever been to the funeral of a baby, it's one of the most sobering experiences of anyone's lifetime.
Baby Joe's father (like me at the time, only in his late 20's), stood over this tiny casket and talked about how much of a blessing it was to have this baby for the short 30 days of his life.
After hearing that eulogy, I lost the fear of Caine's death because I began to see every day of his life as a tremendous gift that could end at any moment.
Every parent's greatest fear is the death of their children.
But if you lose that fear early in your child's life, it dramatically changes the way you look at parenting.
You still don't want them to experience pain and suffering, but you start to look at their life as "temporary" so you put energy into life's larger and more important lessons instead of sweating over the small stuff.
Rhea (his mother) and I put more emphasis into teaching Caine that his attitude and work ethic would have a greater affect on his success than getting all of his spelling words correct.
From the beginning, our focus with Caine was not about "what he could get" out of life, but what "he could become" and that came directly as a result of his premature birth.
As he grew older, we found out why his spirit fought so hard to survive such a difficult beginning.
He came to teach us.
He taught me that a person's "gifts" aren't always where you think they will be.
Caine struggled in the classroom because his learning style was tactile, anything that he can do with his hands, he picks up very quickly.
He taught me that people will flourish when they find their purpose and passion and you can't dictate that as a parent.
As a young adult, I tried to direct him toward sales and business management as a career, but he hated it because his true passion was doing something with his hands, so he flourishes today as a bicycle mechanic at one of the top bike shops in Portland.
But the spiritual lessons he's brought me have been the most profound.
I learned that our children serve as "mirrors" for us and they reflect back who we truly are, because they are products of our teaching and guidance.
Whatever flaws I perceived Caine to have, I had to take responsibility for putting them there because he wasn't born like that.
If I wanted to correct those flaws in Caine, I had to correct them in myself first.
You can't lecture your child on healthy nutrition while you're eating a bowl of fried ice cream.
Maybe the greatest lesson he's taught me was forgiveness.
Though I've influenced Caine's life in many positive ways, like all parents, I've made my share of disastrous mistakes.
I'm amazed sometimes at the amount of people I run into that still blame their parents for their shortcomings.
Caine's chosen to forgive me and that's made me look at the sources of anger in my life and helped me to take the "high road" with my relationships.
We all know the benefits of forgiveness are truly life changing.
So, Happy Birthday Caine! And thank you, son.