One of the hardest parts of parenting is disciplining.
I cringe at some of the harsh and abusive discipline techniques some parents use.
With much time and effort, I have come up with a toolbox of gentler discipline techniques.
I pick and choose the tool that works best in the moment and strive to use it with fairness, kindness, and respect.
The goal of discipline is to teach children positive behavior and personal responsibility.
While I am still learning and adding tools to my toolbox, I have gathered twenty tools that you might find useful too.
1.
Be Realistic.
Educate yourself with what is realistic behavior at each stage of development.
For example, it is realistic to expect preschoolers to, oftentimes, be non-compliant.
Preschoolers are busy establishing their independence and they are, naturally, going to test their limits and boundaries.
2.
Keep Anger Out.
It takes rational thinking to discipline with fairness and kindness.
When we get angry we think less rationally.
The more angry we feel, the less rational we think and behave.
When angry, we have a tendency to hurt our children emotionally and/or physically.
Instead of acting out in anger, take the time needed to calm down.
You might say, "I need some time to calm down.
When I am ready, we will talk about what just happened.
" If the child is angry, wait for the child to calm down before discussing the misbehavior.
3.
Disengage in Power Struggles.
When I find my child and me in a power struggle for control, I remove myself emotionally from the power struggle and offer two choices.
My child keeps some power by being able to choose and I keep some control by picking the choices from which my child may choose.
4.
Get to the Bottom of It.
Oftentimes, one of my children starts misbehaving to get attention, even if it ends up being negative attention.
I need to give them more positive attention before they do something undesirable to get it.
Other reasons for misbehavior include being tired, hungry, lonely, or bored.
Once I know what my child needs, I can help satisfy the need and prevent negative behavior.
5.
Praise Often.
Offer encouragement and praise, frequently, to build your child's self esteem and to shape desirable behavior.
Examples of things to say include, "I bet you are proud of yourself for doing that all by yourself.
" or "I like how you remembered to brush your teeth.
" 6.
Pick Battles.
I pick my battles.
Some battles are not worth the fight.
A battle that I do not care to get into is what my child wears (e.
g.
, two different-colored socks).
I might make some suggestions on what to wear but usually it doesn't really matter and they are happy to gain some independence by choosing outfits themselves.
7.
Use Natural or Parent-Made Consequences.
If my child does not want to wear a coat on a cold day, I'll say, "Okay.
How about I bring it along just in case you get cold?" When it gets cold my child inevitably opts to put it on.
This is an example of a natural consequence.
Naturally, when one chooses not to wear a coat on a cold day, one gets cold.
If there is no obvious natural consequence, I make up a consequence.
For example, "Only people with clean hands may eat dinner.
" 8.
Prevent Problems Occurring.
It is a good idea to prevent problems from occurring in the first place.
For example, if I do not want my child sucking on lollipops at home, I do not keep lollipops in the house.
9.
Focus on Can Do.
When I tell my child what he or she cannot do, I try to explain what he or she can do instead.
10.
Distract.
When my child is heading for trouble, I try to divert my child's attention in another direction.
11.
Separate for a While.
When my child is not playing well with a friend, I separate them for a while.
If my child is getting mischievous with me, I say, "I need a break from you.
How about you stay in this room for a while and I'll stay in the other room.
When we have both cooled down, we can stay together in the same room.
" 12.
Count.
Sometimes I count "One, two, three .
.
.
" to give my child time to comply.
For example, if it is time to leave some location, I might count to three.
If my child refuses to leave the location, I physically move my child to where we are going.
13.
Model.
I frequently use manners with my children and they learn how and when to use them from listening to me.
My daughter's teacher has remarked on how polite she is on several occasions.
14.
Make a Deal.
Listen to the other side and make a deal to show you really care how your child feels.
For example, "I hear that you want to read the long book tonight.
I'm very tired.
How about we read this short book tonight and the long one in the morning?" 15.
Use Eye Contact.
Get down to the child's level and talk eye-to-eye about what is fair and right to do.
There is nothing like looking straight into one's eyes to keep both parent and child fair and honest.
16.
Teach Morals.
It is up to us to teach our child what is right and wrong.
Once your child has learned morals, he or she will feel inside whether something is right or wrong.
We can teach our child to pay attention to gut feelings.
17.
Use Privileges and Treats.
Privileges and treats work well for us.
Examples include: "If you don't brush your teeth right now, we will not be able to see your friends this morning.
" "After you put your shoes on, you can have a snack.
" "If you don't stop yelling, you will not be able to watch a video tonight".
18.
Apologize.
Say, "I'm sorry.
" I apologize to my children when I make a mistake.
They apologize too.
Sometimes I need to intervene and ask them to apologize to others when they make a mistake.
19.
Display House Rules.
This is a neat poem to post on your refrigerator: "If you wear it, hang it up.
If you drop it, pick it up.
If you eat out of it, wash it.
If you spill it, wipe it up.
If you turn it on, turn it off.
If you open it, close it.
If you move it, put it back.
If you break it, fix it.
If you empty it, fill it up.
If it cries, love it.
" 20.
Time Out.
If my child is really misbehaving, I say, "We don't do that.
Sit here.
" I stand behind my child for a few minutes to make sure the child sits in a seat staring at a blank wall.
When I think the child is calm and ready to behave better, I say, "You may get up once you are ready to behave.
" Good discipline is one of the ways we show love for our children.
We take the time and effort to help them learn and grow to be fair, kind, respectful, and responsible individuals.
They will undoubtedly challenge us but it is part of the job of parenting.
They deserve our best efforts to discipline them well.