So all in all, the whole internet dating idea was shaping up to be a complete bust.
At the time I had decided my "trusted advisor" should be demoted to "mindless nitwit", especially since he had just gotten engaged (looking back, though, it was just my bitterness doing the thinking for me).
I had chatted with a few women online from that website that never actually became dates - mentioning their therapist, the vast number of men they have slept with, and many other issues that I shudder at the thought of were a bit of a turn-off for me.
Needless to say, I was very frustrated with the idea of internet dating.
Finally! Anyways, I had one more date lined up and I decided that I would deactivate my profile on this dating site whether she was a keeper or not.
This woman, who we will call Jennifer, showed a lot of promise.
She was very well-spoken, did not drink heavily/carry a badge and gun, actually had a full time job, and did not have any ex-boyfriend issues that I knew of.
Jennifer worked as a veterinary assistant, which I thought was nice because she liked animals.
I had always been a dog person, and I especially liked the big dogs like labs and retrievers, so that became a frequent online topic for us.
She seemed like a down-to-Earth, normal girl and yes, I did see several pictures of her before agreeing to meet.
So we decided to meet and I let her pick the meeting place, since I am such a gentleman and I could really have cared less.
She told me about this really great bar that was in a "decent" part of town (first red flag), had really inexpensive drinks (second red flag), and had karaoke four nights a week (giant red flag with skull and crossbones).
Always one to let curiosity get the best of me, I said, "that sounds great.
" I arrived at the bar she mentioned and immediately noticed two things: first, for a "decent" part of town, there was a substantial amount of gang graffiti and a substantial number of payday loan/check cashing places.
Second, my new truck stuck out like a sore thumb.
Before I could have a second thought about jumping back into the truck and taking off faster than a redneck at a gay bar, a beautiful red-haired woman approached me and introduced herself as Jennifer.
So I decided to stay.
After introductions were made I picked my jaw up off the ground and we walked into the bar.
I had certain expectations based upon the outside appearance of this place as to how the inside should look and they certainly did not disappoint me.
Beyond the obvious fact that there were more tattoos than teeth there, a large middle-aged woman dressed in an outfit designed for someone half her size and half her age was doing karaoke to an obscure country song while two men, who appeared to missing a half dozen fingers and limbs between them, were apparently arguing over who was going to take her home.
What a great bar.
So we sat down with a few drinks and started chatting about everything from where we grew up to how the football season was shaping up.
At one point she pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one up.
Strange...
I could have sworn her profile said she didn't smoke.
She must have noticed the confused look on my face because she said, "I only smoke when I drink".
I have heard that line before.
Anyways, I got over the whole smoking thing and a few drinks turned into a few more drinks.
It was getting late so she said we should call it a night.
I paid the tab (this place only takes cash...
interesting) and we walked outside.
Suddenly she kissed me...
this wasn't one of those "hey-nice-seeing-you-we'll-do-lunch-sometime" kisses nor was it one of those "six-drinks-later-let-me-drool-on-your-face" kisses; there was an actual spark.
She then told me her place was down the road if I wanted to come by for another drink.
Typically I would say "no" (seriously...
I would), but since I was in no condition to drive all the way to my place, and she now looked even more attractive than when I met her, I went for it.
So I followed her the few blocks to her place while consuming an entire pack of gum and giving myself a quick spray from a small bottle of cologne I kept in my truck (it's a single guy thing).
We arrived at her apartment complex and I immediately realized that buying an alarm for my truck had been a great idea.
What a dump.
Oh well, it's what inside that counts (haha).
We walked into her apartment and suddenly the smell hit me: cat urine.
I do not mean a slight odor like the little fur-ball had an accident; this place smelled like there was a pond of cat urine in the living room.
It was overpowering.
Then the cigarette smell hit me as well.
Ugh! If she only smoked when she drank, this woman had a serious alcohol problem.
Then she introduced me to her dog (who had also left a fresh pile on the floor which she pointedly ignored) and her cats.
Her seven cats! Not a few.
Not a couple.
Seven.
Seven! In a one-bedroom apartment! It was horrible, not to mention bizarre.
The little rat dog left another pile on the floor while I was standing there, which she simply scooped up with a dust pan and tossed in her kitchen trash can.
Did this woman not have a sense of smell? Lucky for me, I had been on enough horrible dates to be prepared for almost any situation.
I excused myself to use the restroom (while making a mental note to burn these clothes) where I activated an alarm in my cell phone which would sound like my phone ringing.
Sneaky, but clever.
I walked out of the bathroom to find her putting in a movie and two drinks sitting on the coffee table.
Then the movie started...
it was an adult movie! This woman was just full of surprises! If the smell of her apartment didn't have me on the verge of throwing up and/or passing out, I would have been rather aroused.
Then, lo and behold, my cell phone "rang".
"Hey man, what's going on? What? Are you kidding me?! A grease fire in our apartment?! Oh my God...
The fire department is there? Okay, good.
Make sure our bedroom doors are closed.
Okay, I'm on my way home.
" I should have been a actor.
She turned off the movie (it was soft-core anyways) and looked very concerned for me.
I pretended to be very upset, told her I would call her (yeah, right), and ran out of there like her kitchen was on fire.
The overpowering smell of her apartment on my t-shirt prompted me to take it off and throw it in the dumpster on the way to my truck.
Thankfully I had a pair of swim trunks in my truck so I threw the shorts I was wearing in the dumpster as well, then drove home.
I got home and walked into my apartment.
My roommate was watching TV and gave me a weird look as I passed through the living room on the way to my bedroom.
"Must have been a good date if you're coming home with no shirt on.
" Looking back, it could have been worse.
I could have wanted to stay at her place and we could have had an actual grease fire that destroyed the kitchen.
Always look at the bright side.
In any case, I did not feel the least bit bad about leaving her like that.
Just to be on the safe side, I bought a fire extinguisher for our kitchen the next day.
Karma can be ruthless.