Society & Culture & Entertainment Writing

Steven Wright - The Sublime Comedian

The say there is a fine line between greatness and utter madness. If Steven Wright is any indication, the line is getting blurred as his form of comedy is legendary for its uniqueness and, in many cases, bizarreness.

If you are not familiar with Steven Wright, it is hard to know where to start. He has a huge head of frilly hair but is going bald on top. He speaks in a monotone voice, but has perfect delivery. Here are some of his choice sayings.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

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