Helping executives and managers who feel like they're all alone

Here's a truth that I've learned from two decades of management, coaching, and consulting: As you move up the ranks of an organization, you have fewer and fewer people to talk with who can connect with what matters to you in your leadership role. The higher you sit in the organizational structure, the more isolated you are likely to feel.

But this is a normal experience — even though it can be tough on the soul. As you advance organizationally, it's not unusual for the isolation to go up, as well. Contributing factors include the scope of your role, the scale of your responsibility, the number of people you oversee, and the sheer visibility of what you say and do.

Here are some common patterns I observe among leaders struggling with the isolation factor.

1) You might be isolated if you feel like you're carrying most of your responsibilities by yourself

Among my clients experiencing the isolation factor, it's not unusual for them to have close friends they've known since college. They often have supportive spouses and strong family ties. Yet these leaders say they don't want to burden the people they care about most by talking about their challenges. Or they wonder if the people who know them best in other parts of their life can't fully comprehend their work-related challenges.

2) You might be isolated if you have to watch what you share

If you're an isolated leader, you probably remain on your guard because of your increased visibility. People know how many times you've walked through their department. They know if you showed up at the holiday party. They know if you remembered their name when you walked by them in the hall.

Adding to the sense of isolation is the reality that you might say something in casual conversation that other people will interpret as a request. A throwaway comment for you can be misconstrued as something to be committed to and developed by them. In my executive coaching work, I've heard many leaders talk about how difficult it is to just "explore ideas."

3) You might be isolated if negative emotions are dominating your life

I've seen clients begin pulling their emotions in because of the isolation factor. They begin to withdraw. They're worried about what people are thinking about them and their decisions. They're overwhelmed because they feel the weight of so many people depending on them.

They're as off-balanced by uncertainty as everyone else — but these leaders say they don't want anyone to know. If people knew, their uncertainty would only make things worse.

If you're struggling with isolation, is there hope? Can you manage these feelings of isolation? Absolutely.

I'm convinced that you can effectively manage the isolation factor. You might not be able to remove it or conquer it, but isolation doesn't have to limit your effectiveness and your joy as a leader.

My clients who struggle with isolation don't want to step down from their leadership roles — they enjoy the opportunity to guide and shape the direction of their organizations. For many, they recognize they are the right leader at the right time asking the right questions in the right place. But they also want to find ways to face their isolation head-on, integrate it into their lives, find ways to be authentic, and still have joyful interaction with others. Here are some suggestions on how to do this.

1) Manage your isolation through conversations with peers
Engage in conversations with people at the same altitude by participating in executive education and management training programs. Perhaps you don't want to be vulnerable around a competitor, but you can he honest when talking with an executive from another field. You share the same airspace, in a sense, and you can connect with someone who understands what happens at that level of responsibility.

2) Manage your isolation by finding a coach
As an executive coach, I strive to help clients find ways to integrate the reality of isolation into who they are — to consider who they will be in the midst of situations where they feel isolated. Together we cultivate deliberate options that leave them feeling stronger and better equipped for all of life's leadership challenges, including isolation. This is a great option for gaining one-on-one exec ed training and support that's tailored to your specific circumstances.

3) Manage your isolation by pursuing a path to humility
You can recognize that you're a person of significant influence with great responsibility while still maintaining a proper perspective on how you got to this place. You didn't reach this level of leadership alone, and you don't continue serving in this role alone. Humility means having a healthy sense of who you are and how you need other people.

When I think of genuinely humble leaders who have learned how to effectively manage the isolation factor, I think of Skip LeFauve, president of Saturn Corporation in the early 1990s when I was working there. "A lot of people felt that Skip's approach was soft, but his style really belied the fact that he was a tough, hang-in-there businessperson. He always had the interests of the people he associated with in mind and, also, at the same time, was a hard driver to succeed," recalled his VP of Manufacturing. (BTW: if you want to see an example of what it's like to leave a legacy as a beloved leader, click here.)

Google CEO Eric Schmidt is a present-day example of an industry leader who is both humble and strong. To watch him in action is to see someone whose leadership is an authentic extension of who he is. Former presidents Jimmy Carter, George H.W. Bush, and Bill Clinton also come to mind. In interviews, you see them playfully poke fun at themselves yet stay true to their powerful, global messages. They discovered how to be completely "comfortable in their own skin" in the pressure cooker of their high-profile lives.

I'm convinced that you can experience a way of being that allows you to be fully yourself, to acknowledge and accept a certain level of isolation, to be a leader that is genuinely humble and powerful at the same time, and reconciled to life's realities in a way that brings you joy.